


GIFTS FROM THE HEART

by Anne_Fairchild



Category: Red Cap (TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Angst, Family Bonding, Family Drama, Fear of Abandonment, M/M, Meet the Family, Miscommunication, Need, Unconscious Selfishness, selflessness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-02
Packaged: 2019-08-14 12:51:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16492961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anne_Fairchild/pseuds/Anne_Fairchild
Summary: Giles and Thomas travel to England so Giles’s family - both his estranged family and his close family - can meet and get to know Thomas. There are surprises all round, happy and not-so.





	GIFTS FROM THE HEART

**Author's Note:**

> The stories about Giles don’t go in a straight line, i.e. are not really a ‘series’, and there are slight differences between the backstories and events having happened or NOT having happened in each story. To Thine Own Self Be True should be read first; the other stories may be read out of order. I like playing with different what-ifs, and there are two stories (A Happy Little Christmas and Second Chances) that don’t feature Thomas as part of Giles’s life. His father the Brigadier, and their not seeing eye-to-eye on Giles’s third generation army career, is canon. I created the rest of his family. The separation of his parents is also mine, with possible getting back together. Thomas’s backstory is entirely created.

Although he wouldn’t admit it to Giles, Thomas was actually a little nervous as they approached Customs at Heathrow. He wanted Giles’s family to like him for Giles’s sake, but also for his own, from what he had seen of them.

Giles was a very private person. Thomas had become accustomed to gently prodding him when he needed or wanted to know things that Giles might not naturally share. So when Giles’s mother invited them for a visit, he had asked early on if Giles would talk to him about his family and show him their photos.

He hadn’t realized at the time that it was the best thing he could have done. He’d known in a general sense that Giles enjoyed photography, but he had never seen very many of his photos. For the past month, Giles had been feeding him stories about his family accompanied by photos and videos from his laptop. This told him about Giles and his relationship with his family as well as about the strangers he would soon meet. Giles was a natural storyteller, both verbally and visually.

He had his mother’s dark hair and her nose and mouth, and his aunt’s dark eyes. ‘The Formidable Charlotte’, as Giles said his father called his mother, was a slim, pretty, stylish woman. Thomas liked her smile and the warmth in her blue eyes.

His brother and sister were twins. They were both third year students at Cambridge, down for their summer holidays. Joscelin or Joss had the same large eyes as his brother, though his were as much green as brown. Where Giles’s dark hair was straight, Joss’s was a mass of curls. Their mouths were very similar, and Joss’s intensely watchful gaze echoed Giles when he was deep in thought. Giles’s sister Gemma had long dark hair streaked with auburn, and her eyes were Joss’s color. Her features were fine and delicately feminine like her mother’s.

Giles’s family and his upbringing were not entirely what his colleagues in SIB believed them to be. The first thing Thomas came to understand was that that Giles’s close family were not as wealthy as his team assumed; they had worked for much of what they had as he was growing up. Most Army housing allowances, school fees and other bonuses had been lost when Giles’s father and mother had separated. There was no large, luxurious family home, no indoor swimming pool or tennis courts.

The Brigadier either lived on base or occasionally stayed in his own childhood home when on leave. Charlotte and her children lived with her widowed mother in a large Victorian that had been her childhood home as well. She worked as a book editor. Much of her children’s educational tuition had been covered by academic scholarships; they were all excellent students. The Brigadier had provided some essentials, but Charlotte had wanted to prove to him and to his family that they could make it on their own.

Thomas was fascinated by some of Giles’s photos. Mostly of his brother and sister, they were in costume - or if not ‘costume’ exactly, they had a romantic Victorian look. When asked if there was a name for this, Giles had said he supposed it was Pre-Raphaelite photography. He enjoyed recreating the look of the Romantic artists. His mother was in a few of these, and his aunt. Although Giles included photos of his father and his paternal grandparents in what he gave Thomas, there were none of this type. It was, Thomas supposed, too ‘artistic’ a hobby for the Brigadier to be comfortable with, and one that Giles had had to leave behind once he was commissioned.

Along with these, Giles had included photos of family parties, milestones like graduations, sports, school plays, and general silliness, though the latter never featured the Brigadier. Of course, Thomas especially loved the photos of Giles as a boy - in his mother’s arms, on a pony, off to boarding school in uniform. There were many photos of Giles riding, and some playing games with his brother and sister. There was one of a perhaps four year old Giles being tossed in the air by his father; the love in both their faces was clear.

The warmth Giles had experienced growing up had come largely from his mother, grandmother and aunt, and his closeness to his siblings. Because he’d never spoken about them much, until he saw the photos Thomas hadn’t known how important his family was to Giles. He did know that Giles was somewhat nervous that his coming out and his public relationship with Thomas might change his relationship with Joss and Gemma.

There had been a couple of video chats too, one with Mrs Vicary and one with Joss and Gemma. Thomas knew these chats were more about them getting a look at him than anything else, but he didn’t mind. They were of course curious about him too. Thomas wondered what Giles had said about him. Old. Grumpy. Boring. At least, in comparison to Giles’s lively family.

Just before it came their turn with the Customs inspector, Giles looked over at those waiting for passengers. He nudged Thomas.

“My mum is there, by the column. In the blue sweater.” As soon as they were finished with his bags, Thomas sensed how badly Giles wanted to go to her, yet remained by his side.

“Go on, _Hase_ , I will be finished very shortly,” he encouraged. Giles squeezed his hand briefly and left him. He enjoyed watching Giles hug and kiss his mother so much that he paid no attention at all to the customary rifling of his bags, which usually annoyed him.

“Welcome to England, Thomas.” Charlotte Vicary’s smile was genuine.

“Thank you, Mrs Vicary.” He returned her smile. When she held out her hand for him to shake, Thomas kissed it lightly.

“Please, just Charlotte. ‘Mum’ definitely not,” she laughed. Thomas returned her smile as he gave a little nod of agreement.

“Where are the Littles?” Giles asked.

“Well, not little any more and probably not as partial to being called so, at least in public,” his mother reminded him gently. “At the farm. It’s the beginning of vac and since there are bound to be things later this summer they’ll really need to miss a day for here and there, and since they’ll be able to see you at tea time, I suggested - “

“Yes, all right Mum, point taken,” Giles laughed.

They took their bags to a several years old, slightly worse for wear Land Rover. Charlotte drove so Giles could enjoy watching the countryside pass as they left town. At one point he opened the window and just inhaled the hay, sweet grass and wildflower scent of an English summer.

As they got closer to his home, Thomas felt Giles’s body tense in happy anticipation. Driving past a large horse farm with pristine pastures, Giles was so intent on every blade of grass that he didn’t notice when his mother slowed a little, tooted the horn and then drove on past.

The house was a charming large two-storey Victorian, with ivy and other more colorful creepers climbing the weathered walls and a beautifully flowering front garden. There was a large fenced pasture, and Thomas caught a slight glimpse of several outbuildings set some way behind the house.

As they approached the front door, Charlotte shot a mild warning look at Thomas and made a motion for him to lag behind. Giles opened the door, which was quickly shut, followed by laughter, shrieks, and the sounds of horseplay, recognizable in any language.

“You knew they were waiting for him?” Thomas guessed.

“Not ‘know’, exactly, but I anticipated they might be. I warned them we were near as we drove by,” she confessed, her eyes twinkling. “I thought they might prefer their first greeting to be private for a minute or two. My introverts don’t do well in a spotlight.” Charlotte knew her children and respected their personalities instead of trying to change them. It grew quieter, and she pushed on the door. “You’re not still underfoot are you?” she called out. She got a “No Mum, coast is clear” and they went in.

The three siblings were crammed into the sofa, Giles sandwiched in the middle. They were still laughing and hugging each other.

“Savages, please welcome Thomas to our home.” Gemma recovered herself first.

“Hello Thomas. I’m very pleased to meet you.” Her voice was low and soft.

“Hello Thomas. Welcome.” Joss smiled, but also took his measure. They were rather neutral greetings. For all their exuberance and affection, the young Vicarys were cautious when it came to revealing themselves to strangers.

“I’m happy to know you both,” Thomas returned with a smile and a nod. “I have heard so much about you.”

“Uh-oh,” Joss groaned. Giles tossed a pillow at him. Years seemed to have fallen from his shoulders when surrounded by his siblings

“Where’s Nan?” Giles asked. Thomas heard an “ahem”, and saw a small elderly woman standing in the doorway leading to the kitchen. It was she who’d given Charlotte her blue eyes. Giles was across the room in two strides, hugging her and lifting her off her feet, twirling her round. It was delightful to Thomas to see this side of his normally quiet, reserved partner.

“Put me down, _a_ _stór_ ,” she laughed, “or you won’t get your tea. Oh, you look good enough to eat!” She kissed and hugged him, and then without any prompt she came to Thomas, holding out her hands to him.

“Hello Thomas, welcome to the asylum.” Her eyes shone as her daughter’s did, and her smile reached her eyes in welcome. She had found nothing in his face to cause her to doubt him. With her greeting, he sensed both Joss and Gemma relax a bit.

They had their tea in a small conservatory at the back of the house, through which Thomas had further glimpses of more of the house’s moderately sized grounds. Giles made much of eating long-missed treats his grandmother had made and both were teased by Joss and Gemma that Nan only made those things when Giles came home, not them.

Conversation began slowly. Thomas knew there were many questions the family would have that they wouldn’t ask.

“How do the two of you spend your time off?” Joss finally asked.

“Many days, one or the other of us will work long hours, sometimes both. We just collapse at home with take-away and try to relax with a little television and some wine,” Thomas explained. “When we have more time we cook, both of us. Sometimes we’ll have a dinner out.

“At the weekends we might drive into the country for the day, or spend a weekend away. Sometimes you really need to get away from the city and the work. And sometimes, we will go horse riding. Giles tries to improve my ‘seat’ as he calls it.” At this, Giles couldn’t help but snicker briefly, managing to stop himself at an eyeroll from Thomas.

“He’s the best teacher,” Gemma spoke up. “He taught both of us, and the children at the school loved him when he taught.”

“The riding school we passed up the road,” Charlotte explained. “They train hunters and show jumpers, but they also run a therapy clinic. Joss and Gemmy teach and help at the clinic, and in exchange board their horses there without fee during the school terms. Giles also taught there before he went into the Army. If my children were left to their own devices, I suspect they would live and work in a largely equine world.”

Thomas noted that Giles seemed wistful at her words. Most of his life, Thomas had felt sad that he hadn’t had parents to take an interest, to guide and support him. Yet failed expectations and misunderstandings had wrenched Giles’s family apart, and the effects had sadly fallen largely on him as the eldest.

After tea, the discussion moved on to boyfriends and girlfriends and studies. Gemma was studying for degrees in history and fine arts and hoped for a career as a curator or restorer of art. Joss studied journalism and political science. Both were also involved in Cambridge social activities. As the three siblings became involved in conversation, Thomas was somewhat left out. Giles looked over at him once or twice guiltily, but Thomas smiled and motioned to him to carry on, earning a grateful smile.

“They have a lot to catch up on, I’m afraid,” Charlotte smiled ruefully, coming to sit beside him on the sofa.

“I don’t mind. It’s why we came, after all,” Thomas replied. Charlotte took note of his relaxed smile as he watched them.

“You’re not possessive of him.” It was a statement.

“Of his time with others, when he is involved and enjoying himself, no.”

“But in other ways?”

“Do I become jealous, you mean? Yes, I do. Not least because I’m older and have the insecurity of the difference in our ages,” Thomas admitted. “He could easily have a more suitable partner.”

“Younger? Yes. More suitable - well, that’s up to Giles, isn’t it?” Charlotte asked. “And he’s happy. I don’t imagine he’s looking around.”

“He isn’t. He’s told me so. We have had this discussion between us. But I can’t still believe my luck,” Thomas sighed. “He doesn’t understand how special he is.” Charlotte nodded.

“He never will, you know. I love all of my children equally, but my heart has especially ached for my sensitive boy. I thought he’d never find contentment. Now I think he has, and I couldn’t be happier for him.”

“Thank you. He has not known how his family really feels. It worries him.”

“Ah, his family,” Charlotte rolled her eyes. “If his heart tells him his beloved is another man, it makes no difference to me - or to his nan either, or his aunt.

“His father and his grandparents are very traditional, an upper class English miitary family for generations. Soldiering and being gay don’t fit together in their world. But make no mistake, even though they don’t show it as we do in this house, his father and his grandparents love him, even if they have difficulty understanding him. I don’t dislike my in-laws, Thomas, I feel sorry for them. They mean well, and they’re not without feeling. But they have the English reserve, unlike the wild Irish blood Robin married into,” she smiled, shaking her head.

“I find this household very welcoming,” Thomas assured her. “But - it’s important to him how Gemma and Joss feel about the two of us.”

“There hasn’t been a great deal of conversation, to be honest,” Charlotte admitted. “But you see how they feel about their brother - they worship him, honestly. I’d say, if they see that you make Giles happy, they’ll be happy too.”

“Since we left Germany, we are not touching each other as we normally do when we’re alone together, or somewhere we are comfortable,” Thomas admitted. “Understand, we are not…what is the expression, ‘all over each other’, but we do touch as straight couples do. Perhaps if they saw this - “

“It would be my advice to behave as you would with guests in your own home, Thomas. How else will they see what your relationship is really like? As you have seen, this household is fairly hands-on. All that undisciplined Irish blood,” Charlotte laughed.

“Thank you. Giles would never have you know he worried about this, and it’s a little awkward to bring it up,” Thomas sighed. “But I felt it was important to ask.”

“Yet you asked for his sake. I knew I liked your face, from the videos. It’s a kind face. Just what he needs. That you think of him first, that’s the surest way to win our hearts, Thomas. We love him very much. Anyone who loves him and looks out for him as much as we do will be part of the family,” Charlotte assured him with a smile and a squeeze of his hand. “Don’t you worry too. Giles worries about all the unknowns. It’s always been a part of him.”

Thomas chuckled. “That, I understand very well. I don’t try too hard to make him stop, I don’t think he ever will. But I remind him when he is doing it, and I usually try to cheer or tease him out of it. It works maybe half the time,” Thomas sighed, gazing fondly at Giles.

“You do know him,” Charlotte nodded.

“He is very dear to me,” Thomas murmured. “My life before was quite dull without him. Now I am alive again, with a future,” he attempted to explain.

“Do you have family, Thomas?”

“Only my grandmother Gisela, my father’s mother, and my sister. Giles has met them. They live in a small village in Bavaria. My grandfather fought in the War, though he was never a Nazi. My parents grew up in a very poor postwar time. They both were troubled, and in trouble with the law from their young teens.” Thomas stopped and took a deep breath.

“Please don’t feel that you must tell me things you’d rather not,” Charlotte reassured him.

“No, it is…something I had neither thought of nor spoken of for many years until we went to visit. It’s good for me to tell someone who cares to listen,” Thomas smiled slightly. “And it reminds me to speak more often with Sabine.

“My parents were both runaways, into drugs and living on the streets sometimes. When I was born they tried to leave that life. They did leave it long enough for Sabine to be born in a more stable home. But when Sabine was three and I was seven they left us alone one night and went to a party, with drugs. They both overdosed and did not survive, along with one other person. If my grandmother had not taken us to raise, we would have been separated and sent to orphanages - which were not such good places in Germany at that time.

“My grandmother is a long-suffering, good woman. She raised us with love, if not much of material possessions. I was good at my studies, and I left home to go to Berlin and try to make something better of myself. But I could only go because Sabine stayed behind. She has sacrificed herself. She has no children and she has never married. In spite of that, she is not the bitter, unhappy woman she might be. She is an artist of some reputation in Germany. She paints, and her work sells,” Thomas related with pride. “But I wish - some day, when my grandmother is gone, I wish for Sabine to have a happy life of her own before it passes her by - as it almost did for me,” he sighed, smiling across the room at Giles.

“I’m sorry, for Sabine and for you. But your experiences made you who you are. Put you in the right place at the right time.” Charlotte caught the look of love that passed between the two of them. “You can only take the Vicarys as you find them, but I don’t believe they’ll be unkind or rude - it’s just not the ‘done thing’, you see,” she explained wryly.

Giles appeared suddenly to sit beside Thomas, who put an arm about his shoulders so that Giles would lean against him. He hesitated very briefly, then relaxed. He missed their touching, and it had been difficult to stop himself from doing it. He found Thomas’s touch, his physical closeness, reassuring.

“Are you catching up with everything, _Hase_?”

Giles froze, trying not to look at his mother for her reaction.

“Yes, we are,” he finally got out.

“That’s better,” Charlotte smiled, patting his leg as she rose and went into the kitchen to help Giles’s grandmother.

“But we thought - “

“I spoke to your mother, and she disagreed. Perhaps she knows best,” Thomas suggested. “And it is us as we are, no holding back or pretending,” he reminded Giles.

“You’re right,” Giles agreed, letting his head fall on Thomas’s shoulder. “I get so tired of all the things we can’t do, shouldn’t do. It would be nice to have somewhere else, outside of home, where we don’t have to think about it. You and Mum are good for me,” he sighed, twining his fingers with Thomas’s.

“All is well, _Schatz_ ,” Thomas murmured in his ear. “We are good for each other.”

“I can’t believe you asked my mother that,” Giles marveled, snickering.

After dinner, the evening was spent looking at old videos and scrapbooks after Giles helped Joss and Gemma bed their horses in the barn behind the house. There were several videos of Giles as a young teenager, riding and jumping a beautiful gray horse. He stared at the scenes regretfully, as if they were painful to him. As they were all about to go their separate ways to bed, Charlotte took Thomas aside.

“Tomorrow, Joss and Gemma are going over to the farm early. You and Giles must sleep in, and I’ll drive you over later after breakfast.”

“That is the horse you spoke of?”

“It is. I can’t really explain, you’ll just have to see. And when you do, I hope you’ll be happy with your decision.”

Giles and Thomas were to sleep in a loft mini-flat in the barn. It was quite cozy, with enough room for a large bed, a wardrobe, and a bathroom. Giles seemed somewhat melancholy now, and as they closed the door behind them, he leaned into Thomas’s arms.

“Thomasss,”he murmured, burying his face in Thomas’s chest.

“Is anything wrong, _liebling_?”

“Nothing that anyone can do anything about. It’ll pass,” Giles sighed. “I need to be reminded that when we lose some things, we gain others - and the trade-off is more than worth it,” he smiled, kissing and nuzzling softly into Thomas’s neck.

“Come to bed, _Schätz_ ,” Thomas murmured against his brow. “It’s been an eventful day for you. Time to relax now.” He steered Giles to the bed and waited until he began to undress before he removed his own clothes. They slid under the covers and Thomas turned out the light. Giles curled into him with a sigh, laying his cheek on Thomas’s hand, stroking his fingers.

“Do you want to talk?” Thomas offered.

“Not tonight. Another time yes, when I’m able. But you make things better just by being here with me. Part of me,” Giles sighed again, this time not so unhappily.

Such comfort was what his family would want most for him, Thomas realized. It would be easy for an outsider to see Giles’s moods and needs as weakness and Thomas’s comfort as treating him like a child. But Giles had had to be someone he was not for one reason or another for most of his life. He struggled every day to manage in a world he knew was hostile to him, and he navigated that pretty well. Thomas was his safety valve, allowing him to let go and accept support, knowing that there was someone there for him no matter what. And when he’d needed it, Giles had been there for him too. They were a good match of temperaments, wants and needs.

                                                                             ***

Still a bit thoughtful and quiet, Giles was awake early but not as eager as he’d been the day before to go to the farm with Joss and Gemma. There was something holding him back from the light-heartedness Thomas had seen yesterday. Breakfast was subdued as well. Thomas did wonder why Charlotte made no real attempt to cheer Giles, but there was a gleam of excitement in her eye that Giles did not catch.

Foxhollow Farm was beautiful, Thomas thought. Green paddocks with bright white fences, two large barns, a serious jumping and eventing course and a large indoor ring. The owners spoke of Giles affectionately as their ‘borrowed son’, since they had two daughters but no sons.

They went into the indoor ring, where Joss was teaching a beginner’s equitation class at one end and Gemma and the owner’s older daughter were leading the disabled riding clinic with half a dozen riders of various ages and abilities at the other end. Giles perked up a little, watching and remembering. When the class was over, he went into the ring and helped the girls lift everyone out of the saddle and back into chairs or braces or canes.

He took the bridles of a couple of the horses and followed the girls as they headed towards the stable yard. He seemed reluctant, however, to lead the horses all the way in, past the arch which led to the stalls. He attempted to hand the reins over to Gemma, who gave him a look of disgust.

“I can’t manage them all,” she complained. As she brought her horses past those Giles held, she flicked a rein just a little, enough to cause one of his horses to shy. He hung on and as they moved into the yard he spoke to the jittery animal, coaxing it to calm down. His voice echoed in the quadrangle.

A loud whinny rang out across the yard, and the sharp rap of an impatient hoof was heard against a stall door. At first Giles paid no attention, concentrating on the horses he had in hand. But eventually the commotion caused him to look up.

A gray horse was pawing, bobbing his head over the door of his stall, whinnying and snorting in an attempt to get out. Giles froze. Gemma quickly reached over and took the reins from him, guiding the horses away.

Giles seemed rooted to the spot, unable to move forward. The horse was now focused on him, seemingly intent on breaking down the stall door.

“For heaven’s sake Gy, let him out,” Charlotte urged, giving him a push. She also stuck a couple of carrots in the back pocket of his riding breeches.

“Badger!” he called, moving to the stall at last. The horse quieted momentarily, but as Giles touched him, he moved again in joyous reunion, butting his head against Giles, snorting and nickering. Giles put his arms around the horse’s neck , his head hidden from view for several minutes. He reached back and unlatched the stall door, opening it outward, and the horse stepped out. He reared a little, feinted, half-bucked, and continued to alternately butt and nuzzle happily against Giles.

“Gy - your pocket,” his mother called out to him. Momentarily puzzled, he reached back and drew out the leafy carrot with a brilliant smile, feeding it to the horse. No one could hear what he said, but they were clearly murmurs of love.

The horse continued to move restlessly until Giles went to the peg outside his stall and picked up his bridle. Badger snorted with excitement as soon as he fitted it. When Giles jumped up on his bare back in one smooth motion, reins or no reins he wanted to run.

“I have to let it out of him,” Giles shouted over to them before he and the horse bolted out through the archway and were gone.

“And out of yourself.”  Charlotte smiled broadly. “Fly, darling boy,” she called after him.

As Thomas now looked around him, he saw no dry eyes. He had understood from Charlotte that Giles was very attached to the horse, but witnessing just how much the horse clearly loved Giles, even after 9 years apart, was very moving. He had indeed made the right decision. As they walked back to the car, Charlotte gave him more background on their special partnership.

“When Giles was fourteen, he met Badger as a three-year-old, brought to train here. The Lesters bought him shortly after. They heavily involved Giles in his training when he was home from school. Giles could do anything with him, where others couldn’t. Badger does things for Giles he’s never done for another rider. ‘Didn’t live up to his potential’ they said of him, but the two of them won every event they entered. There were plans to buy Badger for Giles’s 15th birthday.

“Then,” Charlotte sighed, “Giles’s father and I separated. There was enough bad feeling between us at the time that arrangements were not to be made any longer to purchase Badger. The twins were able to have their horses a few years later, but Giles bore the brunt of his father’s hurt and anger early on. He was absolutely crushed to lose the thing he loved most in the world.

“He changed after that. He became a man in the ways his father wished, but his boy’s heart and soul had been torn from him; his confidence too in many ways. I think he may have just gotten them back again. To see them race out of here takes me back those years as if they’d never happened. I think I’m almost as happy as Giles is.” Her voice was thick with tears.

“It is a greater gift than I anticipated,” Thomas admitted. “I’m very glad I agreed to help.”

“I suspect he’s going to be gone quite a while, and will be cooling and brushing and watering Badger when he gets back - and full of apologies for running off and leaving you for so long. I think lunch back at the house is in order,” Charlotte suggested.

Thomas bowed to her judgment and spent the afternoon with Charlotte, Nan, and Charlotte’s sister Lillie, who had driven down from London. Looking into Lillie’s large dark eyes was exactly like looking at Giles, Thomas thought, they were so similar. The ladies gently quizzed him on his interests and pasttimes, as well as his work and how he’d met Giles. He found himself both charmed and amused by them. He was also, to his surprise, able to speak about his feelings for Giles. He wanted them to know how much Giles meant to him.

“He has become…my magic, I would say. If I’m having a stressful day, I only need to hear his voice to get strength and energy to carry on,” he smiled at the thought, “because at the end of that day, no matter how many hours it is, he will be waiting for me. I can lose every care with him. He has made me alive again, when I’d begun to think that part of my life was over. To look out for him, watch over him, is my greatest joy. I cannot say it more cleverly,” he shrugged.

“Love isn’t clever, it’s simply love,” Lillie smiled at him, “and that’s as perfect a description of loving someone as I’ve ever heard.”

“You know he loves you in the same way, I hope?” Charlotte asked with a reassuring smile.

“He tells me that he does, but there is always that insecurity, you understand?” Thomas ended it as a rueful question.

“Believe it, and stop doubting yourself,” Giles’s Nan spoke up. “Our Giles wouldn’t fall so deeply in love with someone who wasn’t worthy of that love.”

Thomas’s Thank You was heartfelt. He already felt great affection for these women who had guided Giles to be the man he was.

When the shadows grew long, they heard the clatter of hooves in the drive, fading as they went on to the stables to bed the horses down for the night.  
  
“ _Aintín_ Lillie!” Giles greeted her with pleased surprise. “Oh it’s perfect now! Badger is at the farm and I can ride and keep him while we’re here - and you came to visit. Doesn’t get any better,” he grinned.

“Is that a bit of blarney creeping out of my nephew?” she teased, and Giles blushed, giving her a kiss.

The riders all went off to shower and change clothes before dinner. If he hadn’t known what was coming, Thomas would have been disappointed at that. He found the scent of Giles and horses and sweat altogether rather arousing. But he let Giles go to the barn flat alone, albeit with a regretful look passing between them. And as predicted, Giles was softly apologetic about literally running off and leaving Thomas all day.

Throughout dinner, the normally quiet, introverted Giles could not stop speaking of Badger and how happy he was to have the chance to ride him again. He’d been so in tune with and intent on the horse that he had no idea that everyone around him could see that their partnership was a great deal more than simply riding, and had always been so. Giles had never given thought or words to his feelings about Badger; he’d been afraid to.

After dinner, they all moved to the living room. Giles grew pensive again, thinking of the day they would leave and his brief reunion would be at an end.

Joss looked at his mother. Charlotte smiled and nodded, and turned to Giles.

“Yes, Mum?”

“I know that the Lesters have offered to let you ride Badger while you’re here. But - well, there’s a bit more to it than that, actually - “

Giles swallowed. “What d’you mean? Is there some reason I shouldn’t? Is there something wrong with him?”

“No. But you’ll have more than just this visit to ride him.”

“You mean the next time I come, if they haven’t sold him? There probably won’t be a next time, Mum.” Giles frowned.

“They have sold him.”

“Ohh,” he sighed, instantly deflated. “I knew it would happen,” he mumbled, head down.

Charlotte rose, and went to a desk next to the dining room.. She pulled out a large envelope and presented it to Giles.

“What is it?”

“Open it and look, daft boy,” his grandmother chided gently. With a sigh, he took out the document within.

Thomas watched his eyes widen and his jaw drop as he read the Bill of Sale.

“No! What - ?” How? It’s impossible! A horse like Badger - you couldn’t! He’s worth too much!”

“I couldn’t alone, no - but all of us together could - me, Joss & Gemma, your Nan, Auntie Lillie, Thomas, and your Dad, as well as your Granddad and and Gran Isabel,” Charlotte explained.

“No.” Giles shook his head in wonder. “You knew about this too?” He looked at Thomas in shock. “And they all - ?”

“Yes, _Schatz_ ,” Thomas assured him. “It has been planned some little while, since we accepted your mother’s invitation.”

“It was Joss’s idea,” Charlotte revealed.

Giles’s hands shook as he read the document again. He folded it carefully and returned it to its envelope. He seemed to be gasping for breath, his lungs spasming. He was desperately trying to control his emotions.

“You,” he whispered, looking at Joss, rising and moving towards him. For a split second no one, especially Joss, knew what might happen next. Giles leaned over his chair and enveloped him in a fierce, hard hug, burying his face against his brother’s shoulder. “You can’t know. You can’t,” he sobbed, unable to hold it in any longer.

“Of course we know, dafty, that’s why we did it,” Joss assured him, a little embarrassed. “We’ve always known, in this house.” It was the first indication of what Joss or Gemma might feel towards their father.

It took several minutes before Giles regained partial control of his emotions.

“ ‘Thank you’ can never be enough,” he told them, wiping his eyes.

“The look on your face is enough, my love,” Charlotte sniffed, tending to her own eyes. “You never need to let him go again.”

“But it doesn’t seem right to leave him here alone, while I’m in Germany and Joss and Gemma are staying in College,” Giles began, thinking of his horse first.

“No, that’s why he’s going to Germany with you,” Charlotte responded.

“There are stables on the base. We have only to make use of them,” Thomas encouraged.

“But that costs a lot of - “

“There will be a way, _Hase_ ,” Thomas persisted. “It will happen.”

“I don’t deserve this,” Giles looked around him.

“If you didn’t deserve it, it wouldn’t have come about,” his grandmother tsked.

“I give up,” he laughed. “I can’t worry, it’s too unbelievable and I’m too happy. I’m just going to enjoy it, every minute. Thank you. Thank you all for giving Badger back to me.”

A round of applause broke out at that, and suddenly there was champagne, and everyone speaking at once. Giles squeezed in beside Thomas, clinking his glass.

“You couldn’t have known what Badger means to me.”

“But your mother did. I trusted her judgment. And I would do anything for you, _mein_ _Herz_ ,” Thomas reminded him. A look came into Giles’s eyes that took Thomas’s breath away. In the blink of one of those soulful eyes, alone in their world, Giles kissed him on the lips. Thomas returned his kiss, and the world didn’t come to an end; in fact, no one said anything at all - unless you counted Lillie whispering to Charlotte that she would always think of Giles as Bunny now, and wasn’t it the sweetest thing.

Some time later, as they climbed the stairs to the loft, Giles was still in high spirits and very affectionate.

“I’m sorry I’ve been selfish,” he sighed, pushing Thomas back on the bed, kissing his mouth and down his jaw to his throat.

“You don’t hear me complaining,” Thomas smiled.

“You never complain about anything, and I’m a brat. That doesn’t make it all right,” Giles returned. He sat up and began to unbutton Thomas’s shirt, leaving a kiss at each buttonhole. “I don’t show you enough. I don’t think I can ever show you enough,” he whispered, kissing Thomas’s ear, then his nose, and mouth. He teased with his tongue until Thomas’s mouth opened to him, very slowly deepening the kiss and commencing a long and sensual tit-for-tat. Beneath him, Thomas shivered, allowing a soft moan to escape.

“ _Heiße_ , Thomas?” Giles grinned several minutes later, gasping for breath.

“ _Für_ _dich_ ,” he agreed with a smile.

Giles removed Thomas’s shirt and trousers and then his own. He lay over Thomas again, stroking his hair, continuing to kiss him softly, letting the weight of his body fall the length of Thomas’s body. He raised Thomas’s right arm over his head and pressed his face beneath, kissing and licking under his arm. Thomas moaned and squirmed, gasping as Giles moved slowly across his clavicle and down to his nipple. He paid close it attention for several minutes until he moved to its twin, and eventually nuzzled and licked over to and under his other arm, then along his jaw to his mouth.

“Ah _Scheiße_!” Thomas groaned, mussing Giles hair, letting it slide through his fingers. He writhed in sweet arousal. “If this is what coming home does for you, we should visit often,” he teased. He reached up and squeezed Giles’s buttocks, hands inside his briefs, thrusting up as he pulled Giles hard against him.

“ _Liebeshäschen_ ,” he groaned.

“ _Mein_ _heißer_ _sexy_ _Bär_ ,” Giles returned. They continued in affectionate sparring lovespeak, slow kisses and lazy wrestling for some time, becoming naked and damp in the process, stroking and sucking each other until both wanted more.

“I have thought of a way,” Giles began, stopping to nibble on Thomas’s lower lip, “that we can both ‘improve our seats,’ you wicked man. Where is the lube?”

“Drawer. There,” Thomas groaned, pointing helplessly. Giles retrieved it and handed it to him.

“Will you do the honors?”

“ _Gör_.” Thomas rolled his eyes. His way of getting back at Giles was to do as he asked, but very slowly - so slowly that he had Giles gasping and moaning in frustration very shortly.

“Bastard,” Giles choked. “Get up - and go sit - in that chair. Now, before I - _bitte_ ,” he finished, pleading. Thomas looked over at the chair and saw what Giles was thinking. It was designed so that it wouldn’t be uncomfortable for them, and it seemed sturdy enough that it seemed possible to hold their weight. It was also old, so if anything happened to it, there would be no great loss. He rose, kissing Giles lightly on the lips as he did so, and sat back in the chair.

“Come here, _Schatzi_ , and sit on my lap,” he invited with a grin. Giles carefully straddled his thighs, lowering himself onto Thomas slowly until he was fully seated. His hands free, he caressed Thomas’s face and chest.

“We can look at each other,” he breathed, leaning in to stare into Thomas’s eyes before kissing him thoroughly.

“I certainly - like - looking at - you,” Thomas agreed between kisses, taking Giles’s cock in hand, stroking it as his own was being by massaged by Giles’s body. Giles groaned loudly and the chair made a slight stress-cracking noise.

“We must try to be quiet.”

Giles threw back his head and laughed at that, as he continued to move over Thomas.

“D’you know why my mother put us out here in the barn?”

“Because there is no room in the house?”

“Because,” Giles purred, “it’s private. And no one in the house can hear anything out here. Because there’s no need,” he gasped, moving faster “for us to be quiet.” He leaned forward so that their foreheads were touching. He clung to Thomas as he rode harder and faster, shuddering in passion.

Sometimes when Giles had been caught up in lust before, Thomas had had the feeling that underlying emotions took over his body and that there was some other, silent issue that propelled him as much as happiness.

This was different. This was a Giles unashamed of his feelings or what his body wanted. A free man in some way he hadn’t been before. Could this horse with whom he had forged such a bond really be the reason? It seemed so. Doubtless his feelings ran very deep and did not of course solely involve the horse as a horse. Whatever the buried truth, Thomas felt a joy within Giles in this experience that he hadn’t before. He too felt free, to enjoy what his lover brought to him and shared, without any puzzles.

Thomas was bringing him closer and closer. Giles was drowning in arousal and frantic to come. He gasped ragged instructions in Thomas’s ear. “Yes, that! Harder. More. Ohhh. Just…just…there. Ahhh Thomasss.”

As Giles erupted against his belly, warm and sticky and sweet, Thomas let himself go and had his own release not many minutes later. Giles’s hands and lips still caressed him, softly now, with gentle affection.

“ _Mein_ _tiger_ ,” Thomas smiled, giving the word its German inflection.

“Not your _Hase_ any more?”

“ _Tiger_ _Hase_ ,” Thomas acknowledged, chuckling.

“I like that,” Giles sighed, resting his head on Thomas’s shoulder.

They sat until their breathing slowed, and then Thomas suggested softly “Perhaps we could move from here now? As well suited to its purpose as this chair has been, I think maybe my back is broken,” he admitted. Giles laughed. He rose carefully and pulled Thomas up. He seemed reluctant to release him, holding on possessively.

“Shall we conserve water?” he finally asked. It was a joke between them, showering together.

“I don’t see why not,” Thomas agreed with a smile, “but no _Gefummel_ , I want to sleep after.”

“You’re no fun,” Giles pouted, teasing. He went into the bathroom and turned on the water, and in a couple of minutes motioned to Thomas to join him. As usual they washed each other, then let the warm water run over them, standing together under the spray. Giles insisted that Thomas sit when they were finished, and gently dried him from head to toe.

“Now, come to bed _mein_ _liebste_ ,” he murmured, taking Thomas by the hand and leading him back to the bed.

“ _Ich_ _Schätz_ _dich_ ,” Giles whispered with Thomas spooned comfortably around him. “Sleep well.” Butterfly kisses on his shoulder were the last thing he remembered before he fell asleep.

 

                                                                          **

 

A sound woke Thomas. It was outside the door to the loft. But after a minute when there was no further noise, he relaxed. Giles rolled over, murmured a sleepy ‘good morning’ and snuggled against him. This felt lovely, like a lazy winter Sunday at home when they had all excuses to stay in bed.

“ _Guten_ _morgen_ , _Hase_.”

Giles pulled the duvet over both their heads and emitted an audible happy sigh - as his phone beeped. He muttered an obscenity and stuck out a hand to pull the phone off the bedside table. When he didn’t speak, Thomas deduced he was reading a text. When he’d finished he put the phone back, wiggled his toes and made happy noises.

“So?”

“Mum says breakfast is outside the door. If we’d like, there is a horse for you to ride, and Nan will make us a lunch to take when we decide to get up.”

“And since I know you would like…” Thomas began, “then I would like too.” He kissed the back of Giles’s neck.

“You really don’t mind?”

“Of course not! You know I enjoy riding with you. But perhaps we can take our time over breakfast?”

“It’s so odd - I feel like I’m on my honeymoon,” Giles sighed. “Bless my mum.”

“Your mother is very dear.”

“I’m surrounded by those I hold dear - you, mum, Nan, Joss and Gemma - and now Badger. I feel as if I don’t deserve to be this happy.”

“Stop that,” Thomas warned, hugging him tightly.

“I know, I know. I’m only half serious,” Giles assured him. He threw off the duvet and padded over to slip on his briefs before opening the door. He returned with an enormous tray that held tea and breakfast for the two of them. After putting the teapot and cups on the table, they settled the tray between them on the bed and ate Thomas’s asked-for leisurely breakfast.

Downstairs in the stable, Giles looked over the horse that had been sent over for Thomas to ride and pronounced her steady and capable. Thomas huffed and made a comment that she was much like him then - staid and reliable - and boring.

“Wellll…I could have you ride Badger, if you’d rather. He does have more energy, certainly,” Giles teased. Badger was already fussing in his stall when he heard them coming down the stairs, and would hardly stand still while Giles saddled him.

“No thank you. He knows who his friend is. He would make short work of me. Just no jumping over fences all over the countryside - my abilities do not stretch that far,” Thomas warned.

“Don’t worry, I have a strong interest in keeping you all in one piece. He does need a good gallop, are you all right with that?”

“I’ll do my best,” Thomas agreed. Giles wasn’t too worried. He and Thomas had ridden together enough that he knew Thomas’s level of experience, and as he said, things should be fine if Giles could keep Badger from getting carried away.

Giles went to the house, and came back with a couple of saddlebags that held food, drink and a picnic blanket. It was still mid-morning when they set off. Necessarily, they had a full-out gallop over the surrounding meadows and fields until Badger was tired enough to settle for a slower canter and finally a shady walk down country lanes.

When both horses and riders were getting hot in the midday sun, Giles headed for a place he knew that was shaded and quiet. They put the blanket down over soft grass and delved into the saddlebags. There were sandwiches, buttered scones, and even small boxes of wine, which made both of them laugh.

“It’s very peaceful here,” Thomas mused. He lay on his back, looking up into the treetops.

“I used to come here with Badger, when - “

“When your father made you unhappy.”

“It was our world, just the two of us. I couldn’t be unhappy when I was with Badger. He was…he became my confidence. Whatever I was afraid I couldn’t do, I knew there were things we could do together that no one else could. It helped.

“But when I lost him, it all fell apart. I fell apart,” Giles admitted. Thomas put an arm about his shoulders and drew him closer, and Giles rested his head on Thomas’s chest.

“You were only a boy. It was much to deal with all at once.”

“I felt it was all my fault - my parents splitting up, losing Badger - it was all because I just didn’t measure up. I couldn’t be what I was supposed to be. That I didn’t want to be what my father wanted made no difference; I had failed - and I wasn’t even sixteen. It was very difficult.”

“I’m sure that it was. But you have your magic charm again, and you will be whole.” There was a hint of something in Thomas’s voice that worried Giles, but he couldn’t decide what it was - and he didn’t want to think about it now, because now was just about perfect.

They eventually packed up their things and rode home, making the horses comfortable before they went upstairs to the loft. They made love in slow, lazy comfort on the bed, with the sun streaming in the window, caressed by a soft breeze. They slept a little, almost guiltily, then showered and made themselves presentable.

Giles had had another text from his mother. The family was going to a pub in a nearby village for ‘the _craic_ ’ - which Giles had to quickly explain had nothing to do with drugs but was simply Irish for having a fun evening out in good company, typically involving alcohol. Giles had been reminded to ‘bring his dancin’ shoes’, much to his discomfort.

Knowing that Giles’s father’s family looked down on the relatively ‘uncivilized’ and uncouth Irish blood of her family, once she and her husband had separated Charlotte had taken great pleasure in fostering her children’s interest in Irish history, culture, language and music. They had been aware of it before of course, but it had all been deemed unimportant and rather naff in their grandparents’ home, if their grandmother had ever heard the word - which she hadn’t; young people’s slang was of no consequence in the Vicary household. Nevertheless, it described her feelings about her daughter-in-law’s heritage if not Charlotte precisely. She was more fond of Charlotte herself than she usually let on.

The family considered the real Irish pub in the area a treasure. It was especially lively from Thursday through Sunday, with a homegrown _ceili_ those nights. There would be Guinness, whisky, storytelling, and music. And Giles’s friends in the area knew he was home for a visit, thanks to his family having spread the word.

There was a lot of back-slapping, shoulder-clapping, bought rounds of drinks and reminiscing before the music started. Giles was happy and relaxed, and having a good time. He introduced Thomas as his friend and work colleague. Thomas was aware that if most took Giles at his literal words, a few did not and understood that their relationship went deeper. Everyone seemed happy to see him and happy that he was doing well; he was clearly liked.

All of the family sang along with the group songs. Giles, Joss and Gemma sang one song together in harmony. Joss played the pennywhistle a little and Giles the bodhran, the Irish drum. Thomas thought they were quite good, and that for all the ways Giles thought he didn’t measure up, he seemed largely unaware of his talents. Though he kept apologizing for being out of practice, he seemed to do well as far as Thomas could tell. Charlotte and Lillie sang a ballad as well, sounding lovely.

When the dancing began, Giles at first sat through a few sets. But eventually Gemma’s and his mother’s coaxing got him up. And because of ‘drink taken’, as Charlotte affectionately put it, once he started he was difficult to stop - sets, reels and _sean_ _nós_ with Joss, after some false starts due to his liberal whisky consumption. Such drinking was not usual for him in Thomas’s experience, but all his friends kept buying him drinks and he wouldn’t refuse.

Thomas thought Giles an adorable drunk, running just on the edge between the very polite reserve normally seen in all of his public behaviour in Germany, and the homecoming giddiness of a local boy in the bosom of his friends. When his inebriation morphed into florid expressions of affection, however, Thomas and Charlotte exchanged glances and moved to get him home. They both knew that whatever his feelings, being publicly affectionate with Thomas was not something he’d want to do, and he was coming perilously close, most of his inhibitions gone at this point.

Once they were in the car and on the way home, Giles continued to chatter, resting his head happily on Thomas’s shoulder. With Joss’s help they got him upstairs into the loft, and Joss wisely left them alone. He was difficult to undress, arms flailing, alternately giggling and trying to kiss Thomas.

“ _Schatzi_ , you could help this a little,” Thomas shook his head in exasperation.

“Want to be in bed with you,” Giles mumbled. “Sorry - was tonight boring for you?” he asked suddenly, changing the subject.

“We will be in bed shortly if you cooperate, _kleiner_ _Hase_ ,” Thomas told him, mock-scolding. “No I was not bored. I enjoyed meeting your friends and your mother and aunt were good company.”

“Kept wanting to kiss you,” Giles grinned.

“I know - which is why we are home. You can kiss me all you like here. The pub - not the best place,” Thomas teased. He had finally succeeded in getting all of Giles’s clothes off and began working on his own. When he was finished he pulled the bedclothes out from under Giles and over both of them.

“Wan’ make love to you,” Giles slurred sweetly, his lips moving over Thomas’s chest.

“I know, _liebling_ , but I think you will be asleep - or at least unconscious - very shortly,” he replied, smoothing Giles’s hair.

“Not going’…sleep,” Giles protested. “Wan’ love you,” he insisted, his hand reaching for Thomas’s cock.

“Shhhh. _Süße_ _Träume_ , _mein_ _Herz_ ,” Thomas whispered, softly stroking Giles’s temple with his thumb. Giles’s mouth fell slightly open. He gave a loud burp…and knew no more. Thomas mentally shook his head with a laugh and pulled him close.

 

  
                                                                                    ***

 

  
“Shit. Ohhhh.”

“Does your head hurt, _Hase_?”

“Fuck off.”

Thomas laughed softly. He put a hand on Giles’s shoulder and handed him some paracetamol and a class of water.

“If I move I’m going to be sick,” Giles groaned.

“There is tea and toast here - Gemma brought it. To make you feel better, she didn’t look wonderful either.”

Giles reluctantly put his feet on the floor and staggered his way to the bathroom. Thomas heard retching sounds, and after a few minutes, silence. He knocked and opened the door, and helped Giles back to bed, wiping his face with a wet flannel.

“This is why you don’t party drinking spirits,” Thomas teased him gently. “But I understand. Your friends were there, and you couldn’t say no. Come, have something to eat, you’ll feel better eventually,” he coaxed. Giles sat up and very slowly consumed half a cup of tea. When he was fairly certain it would stay down, he took a few bites of toast and then lay back down, frowning at the sunlight.

“Everything hurts,” he moaned. Thomas sat on the bed, Giles’s head and shoulders between his crossed legs. Gently, his fingers worked at relaxing the muscles of Giles’s head, face and neck for some minutes.

“Thank you, _mein_ _Prinz_ ,” Giles sighed in relief. “That’s better.”

“I’m glad.” Thomas bent to kiss Giles softly. “Your mother wants to speak with you. We are invited to your grandparents’ house for dinner tonight, but knowing the state you would likely be in, she suggested tomorrow night.”

“Uhhhh,” Giles groaned. “We have to go. They helped with Badger, and it’s time in any case,” he sighed. “But it makes me nervous. It’s always made me nervous, but I really don’t like the idea of anyone being unkind to you.”

“Your mother thinks they will not be. But she does want to know if you would like everyone to go, or just the two of us.”

“Oh God. I don’t know. Moral support and a buffer, or straight-on getting it over with?” he worried. “I suppose it should be just the two of us.” Giles let out a heavy sigh. Thomas picked up his hand, and kissed the palm.

“Whatever you decide, _liebe_. It will be all right,” he assured Giles.

“It had better be,” was Giles’s response. Thomas had never heard him speak of his relationship with his father so firmly. The possibility seemed to exist, then, that it might be a stormy or short evening.

Giles’s phone rang. It was his Aunt Lillie saying goodbye as she had to drive back to London. She told him not to come over to the house, but to rest up for the family dinner.

“It was so good to see you. We’ll try to come home more often, I promise. _Mo_ _ghrá_ _thú_ , _Aintín_ ,” he told her. He didn’t know much Irish, but that was a phrase which was often spoken in their home.

Once Giles’s head stopped pounding and he’d had more tea and toast, he and Thomas saddled the horses and rode over to the farm. He spoke to the Lesters, and began setting up jumps in the ring, a smaller version of a stadium course. He took Badger over a few, but that was all. Tomorrow, he told Thomas, when his head was clear, he’d return. He didn’t say much else about it, but Joss, Gemma and Charlotte were very aware of his intentions though they didn’t discuss it either. No one seemed upset or unhappy, but there was a slight tension in the air. It wasn’t a negative tension, more like excitement.

Giles seemed a bit wired, if loving as always; a little preoccupied. Thomas said nothing to him. This dinner was important for both of them, but much more for Giles, who was preparing himself for all possibilities, Thomas supposed.

The next morning Giles chose what he’d wear to dinner. Thomas asked his advice about his own wardrobe, and they took everything to the house for freshening and pressing. Thomas had long understood that for Giles his clothing was a sort of armour in the sense that dressing appropriately and being well turned out made him feel better equipped to deal with whatever the issue or duty was.

Giles saddled Badger and told Thomas he was going over to the farm early for a bit of exercise, and that Thomas could come over after breakfast if he liked, or even stay home because he wouldn’t be too long. Thomas nodded in agreement, knowing that missing whatever Giles had planned was not an option. As soon as Giles had left, Thomas went to the house and found Charlotte, who was just about to drive over.

“Is anything wrong with him, Charlotte?” I don’t think so but I can’t be certain,” Thomas confessed to her.

“He’s going to prove something - to himself, to anyone watching. Once he’s done that, he’ll be ready for your dinner tonight,” Charlotte told him. “You’ll see.”

The stable yard was quiet. They approached the ring and Charlotte indicated they should try to be as inconspicuous as possible, at least at first.

Giles was warming up with Badger, cantering slowly around the ring. After he’d done that a few minutes, he started taking him over the jumps. It was eerily silent to Thomas except for Badger’s breathing and his hooves softly thudding in the dirt. After each round, Joss would go out and raise the height of a couple of the jumps and Giles and Badger would go again. After the third go-round Charlotte stepped a little further in to get a better view.

“He won’t be noticing anything now but Badger and those fences. He’s completely focused on that.”

As the jumping sequence went on, Thomas noticed the Lesters, Gemma and several others standing at the corners watching. Together, Giles and Badger never missed a stride, nor put a hoof wrong. They sailed over every jump with scarcely a rub. Thomas couldn’t be sure how tall the fences being raised were, but by his estimation they were now at or over 2 meters.

Finally, after another couple of rounds, Giles pulled Badger up and patted him approvingly on the neck. He slid from the saddle and as he did so, Joss appeared and gave him a bear hug. Giles pulled off his helmet and grinned at his brother. He patted Badger again and spoke to the horse, walking him in slow circles for a few minutes before he moved towards the gate. It was only then that he noticed his audience.

“Well done, my darling,” Charlotte told him, beaming, with a hug. Gemma followed with a hug of her own.

“Now, I see the magic the two of you make,” Thomas told him, with a squeeze of the elbow.

Giles took Badger back to the stable and cooled him off, curried and watered him, all the while carrying on a conversation that only the two of them could hear. When he was finished, he gave Badger an apple for a treat.

“Ready to go home now?” his mother asked him. Giles nodded silently. He said very little on the ride home, seeming to be deep in thought. Thomas got no sense of fear or worry from him, he was just deep within himself.

Giles showered and they had a light lunch before going up to the loft to relax a little before their hour drive to the Vicarys.

“ _Hase_ , is all well with you?” Thomas asked him carefully as they were dressing.

“All is as well as it can be,” Giles smiled, smoothing Thomas’s lapel. “And don’t you look hot.”

“I hope your family doesn’t see that look in your eye or hear that tone to your voice,” Thomas teased.

“I’ll try to restrain myself,” Giles responded dryly. Thomas thought he must be nervous, yet he didn’t seem so. In fact, he seemed more calm and self-assured than Thomas had ever seen him when it came to his father.

Charlotte pronounced them both dashingly handsome, and wished them luck. As they drove, Giles held Thomas’s hand affectionately, without tension or desperation. It would, he said, undoubtedly be a good meal. His grandmother was a good cook and his father as well, though he usually feigned disinterest in cooking at his parents’ home. Giles remembered great dinners that he knew both his parents had prepared together in years past, with much laughter coming from the kitchen along with the roast.

The house stood alone at the end of a long drive, surrounded by about ten acres of land. It was manicured perfection, the ideal English country house, although Thomas could see little of its details in the dark.

Giles’s grandmother opened the door. Her upswept hair was blonde turning to gray, her observant eyes a pale blue that matched her dress. She was beautifully and expensively turned out from her hair to her jewelry to her shoes. She smiled and kissed Giles warmly, genuinely glad to see him. She then greeted Thomas, polite but reserved.

When Giles’s father came into the entryway they gave him the wine they’d brought from Germany. He embraced Giles and then turned his eyes to Thomas, who met his gaze squarely, smiling. The Brigadier had known of his son’s relationship for several months, since Giles had been injured in an accident. He’d come home, briefly, to come out to his family and to try and repair the strained relationship they had. The Brigadier had never seen Thomas and knew little about him, however.

As his measure was being taken, Thomas never backed away. He smiled and accepted the welcome and greeting. He would not be thought of as lesser somehow because of his job, his nationality, or who he loved. Yet he understood the need of the Brigadier, whose job it was to assess the men under his command when it was important, to decide what he thought of his son’s lover. He also knew that at this point, knowing nothing of their history or life together, he would only think of them as lovers…as sex partners; as Giles infatuated with someone who could control him.

Giles’s grandfather, who had convinced the Brigadier to accept Giles’s being gay and having a partner, thanks to his observations and experiences with the men of the platoons he’d commanded during wartime - watched how the two of them behaved with each other - their words, tone of voice and body language. In this, Thomas felt that tonight he should be led by what Giles felt was right.

There was whisky and soda and conversation before dinner. Thomas was his usual quiet, understated self. Giles was well aware of how gently charming he could be, until, in his profession, he needed to strike.

“I want to thank you all for the gift of Badger,” Giles got out straightaway. “He means a great deal to me, even if you may not know it.”

“Or didn’t know it, but should have,” his father smiled slightly, raising his glass subtly to Giles. “Better late than never, I hope.”

Giles flashed him a genuine smile. “Yes, Dad.”

“What will you do with him? Where will you keep him?” his grandmother asked.

“He will be brought over to Hohenbrück shortly after we return, to live at the base stables,” Thomas answered before Giles could say anything.

“That could be expensive. If you need any help, Gy - “ his father began.

“Thank you, but we have discussed it and we will manage. It’s important,” Thomas responded.

Giles stepped up without missing a beat, although he and Thomas had not discussed the finer details at all. “Thank you for the offer Dad, but we’ve decided we can manage it,” he added.

“All right, well, you can always let me know if there’s a change.”

“Of course.”

The united front greatly surprised the Brigadier and somewhat amused Giles’s grandfather. _Good_ _for_ _you_ _both_ , _lads_ he thought. He understood Thomas’s last comment to be about more than simply boarding the horse; it was important to them, and to their relationship with the family, that they handle Giles’s gift together without financial help or interference.

Dinner was, as Giles had predicted, excellent. When they sat down, Thomas wondered whether they expected him to have the table manners of a barbarian, and whether they were disappointed or gratified that he didn’t. The Brigadier asked him about the wine that they’d brought and he was able to speak about the terroir and the type of grapes involved with some knowledge.

What did they do when they weren’t working, his grandmother asked. Thomas gave no indication that their life together involved only one household; he believed they didn’t want to know that yet. He spoke of drama, concerts and music as shared interests, among other things.

“What will you do while Giles is spending time with his horse?”

“A good part of the time I suppose we will ride together. I could ride a little before we met, but I am now a better rider thanks to Giles. He will continue to teach me, I suppose. He might even teach me to jump. It’s good to share such enthusiasms with those we love.”

There, it was out. Stated. Matter-of-fact. Thomas glanced at Giles out of the corner of his eye.

“I’ve been doing new things with Thomas as well,” he offered. _Solidarity_.

“Such as?” his father asked.

“Hiking in the mountains, and camping out,” he returned smoothly. Neither were going to admit that Thomas had not much desire to learn to jump a horse, or that Giles had a tendency to whine for warmth and comfort on their hiking and camping expeditions, placated only by making love beneath a starlit sky.

“What would happen if you were offered a transfer, Giles?” his grandfather asked.

This was something they had never discussed, simply because Giles was relatively new in his posting and still inexperienced, not immediately in line for a promotion.

“I think…I would either refuse, or resign my commission,” he said, knowing the words would shock everyone at the table. “Thomas doesn’t have the ability to easily pick up and go elsewhere in his career; it’s different for civilians. But as a civilian, there are many things I could do to earn a fulfilling living. It would be simpler for me to accommodate him, and I wouldn’t mind.” His eyes locked with Thomas’s.

“But surely both of you could live through time apart,” his father suggested, largely at a loss for words.

“A year? Two years - three? Seeing each other perhaps only a few times a year? _Could_ we do it? Perhaps. But would we be happy - would _I_ be happy? No. I want to be where Thomas is. I want a useful life, but I want happiness while I’m at it,” Giles answered. “I need him in order to be happy.” Thomas stared at him, struck dumb for anything he could say considering that they were not alone.

“Well said, Giles,” his grandfather smiled into the silence, raising his glass. “To Giles and Thomas.” There was further silence, then his father picked up his glass and nodded.

“To Giles and Thomas.” His grandmother smiled.

The rest of the evening was decidedly anti-climactic. Truthfully, both of them were in an equal daze, lasting until they got into the car and were halfway down the long drive leading back to the road. Giles pulled over and put the car in Park. Without saying a word he leaned over and pulled Thomas closer, kissing him very thoroughly for a few minutes before reluctantly releasing him, straightening himself and driving onto the road. As before, he put his hand over Thomas’s, letting their fingers twine.

It was just past midnight when they climbed the stairs to the loft. Giles sent his mother a text consisting of the word ‘good’ and a thumbs-up emoji and then shut off his phone.

“I’m exhausted,” he sighed, forcing himself to undress and hang up his clothes when he really wanted to just collapse on the bed.

“You were…magnificent,” Thomas marvelled. “I have never seen you so determined.”

“It was time, _mein_ _Herz_. It was past time,” Giles sighed. “Do you want anything? Water?”

“Only you, _liebes_ ,” Thomas told him, patting the bed and gazing up at him with eyes of love.

“I’m so tired, and strung out. I don’t think I can - “ Giles admitted.

“Well - that wasn’t exactly what I meant anyway, _Häschen_ ,” Thomas smiled in understanding. “I only want you in my arms tonight, very much.”

“That,” Giles sighed happily, “makes two of us. Once I’m down, I won’t want to move from you.” He turned out the light and moved into Thomas’s arms, groaning in relief and pleasure, burying his face in his lover’s chest.

Thomas lay awake while Giles slept. He knew he was being unreasonable in his thoughts, childish even, but he couldn’t shake them off. He was proud of Giles and pleased that he’d been so decisive with his parents, but was still uneasy. Giles’s new confidence gave rise to a _frisson_ of fear and sadness. If he was able to put it into words, he didn’t want to.

 

                                                                               ***

 

The next several days flew by. They did some sightseeing, and took in a play. Giles rode, and teased Thomas about wanting to learn to jump. They went out with Joss and Gemma, and stayed home with Charlotte and Nan. They made arrangements for Badger and his tack to travel over on the boat train with Joss two weeks after they returned to Germany, and had leased him a place at the Hohenbrück stables.

Things were settling down - and Giles had changed. It wasn’t anything negative, and it wasn’t to do with anything between them - at least as far as Giles was concerned. But Thomas saw and felt it. His new-found confidence was permanent. This was a good thing, and Thomas wouldn’t have wished it gone for anything. But -  Still, he kept silent; what could he say after all and not look and feel a fool.

Everyone was truly sad when it came time for them to drive back to London for their flight the next morning. It was tempered a little with the knowledge that they would all make a point of seeing each other more often, both in England and Germany. Charlotte had asked for Sabine’s email address and Thomas had happily given it to her. It was a beautiful thing that they were a larger family now, but the sadness at parting was sharper too.

Giles’s goodbyes with his brother and sister were private, as tearful as they were boisterous. It was hardest of all for Giles to leave his Nan, aware that as those we love age, there is the possibility that each goodbye is the last.

“You’ve done the best as best could be, _a_ _stór_ ,” she told him. “Be happy.”

“My darling boy, my first-born, I’m so very, very happy for you,” his mother rejoiced for him, hugging him tightly. And then they drove away.

 

                                                                                  ***

 

Back home and back to work, Thomas had occasion to see Giles’s new self in action with his SIB colleagues. It showed, and it made a difference. He was now being given the respect he had always deserved. That all of it had come about because of Giles’s own efforts, Thomas was very proud, and of course glad. He tried hard to ignore the small cold place inside him that wouldn’t go away and in fact seemed to be gnawing at him more persistently as the days went by.

If he believed Giles to be unaware of his worry, he was wrong. Giles didn’t know what or why, but knew that something was bothering Thomas. He waited, hoping he would tell him on his own, but no words were forthcoming. Giles began to realize that having to coax whatever it was out of the person you loved was scary, and he felt sorry for the times Thomas had had to drag whatever it was out of him. It was a burden for both.

The weekend before Badger was to arrive, Giles decided he had to know, whatever it was. He got away from the SIB office a little early and fixed a simple dinner. They ate, did the dishes, and then sat on the sofa to finish their bottle of wine, shoulders touching. Giles took a deep breath.

“Please tell me, Thomas. Please, please tell me what it is. You’re scaring me,” he admitted.

“Nothing scares you now, _liebe_. You’re a strong, capable person. You always were, but now you know that, and all is very well.” There was a flatness in the words that chilled Giles.

“All is far from well, and you know it,” he continued. “What is this about? Are you angry? Hurt? What _is_ it? Thomas, you must tell me. You must,” he insisted softly.

Thomas looked down at his hands. “I know,” he sighed. “But I do not want to tell you, because it is foolish and selfish and unworthy of your love. So I have said nothing because I don’t know what I can say that isn’t stupid and petty and wrong.”

“Are you…jealous?” Giles was beginning to get a faint clue, but was still mostly stabbing in the dark.

“I don’t know. But I am afraid,” Thomas admitted.

“Afraid that - ?”

“You don’t need me any more.”

Giles stared at him in shock. He had not expected this.

“You are my life, Thomas! How can you think - ?” The words caught in his throat. He willed himself to calm down. “It’s all right. I won’t think you’re any of those things you’re afraid I will, because I love you. Talk to me,” he insisted.

Thomas still wouldn’t look at him.

“Thomas, please,” he repeated softly.

“When I met you, you did not believe in yourself. I was happy that someone I had fallen so hard in love with could lean on me for support and comfort. I would do anything for you. I would still.”

“I know that, _mein_ _Seele_ ,” Giles assured him. He wanted to touch Thomas, to take him in his arms so badly, but knew he shouldn’t right now. A hug wasn’t going to solve this.

“Over the time we have been together, it has been just the two of us, you and me against the world, our colleagues, your family - it didn’t matter; we were enough. I could see the difference I had made in you and it made me happy for both of us. That I could help you, and that someone needed me.”

“I still need you. I will always need you,” Giles whispered. ‘How could you not know that?’ was a ridiculous addition he did not utter in his newfound wisdom. Simply, Thomas didn’t know because Giles had never told him. It had always been all about him, and he’d been blind to that.

“Your family is returned to you - all your family. This gives you love and strength and courage because you are loved by many, not only me. You are loved and supported by those you should of course love more, they are a part of you. And your confidence - you said it yourself - Badger is your confidence. Not me any longer.” There. It was out - and it did reek of jealousy, and pain.

“Oh _mein_ Thomas, It’s not like that. It’s not,” Giles repeated, unsure where to begin. “If I’m different now it’s because of you. None of it would have happened if not for you - for your love. There isn’t an ‘end’ to that and some sort of new beginning without you. Why would I stop loving you?”

“No, you do not stop loving me, I know that. But you don’t need me any longer. I’m easier to leave behind some day.” It sounded pitifully childish even to Thomas.

Giles was very moved. That his rock, his unwavering support, was an ordinary man with his own needs and fears, his own vulnerability, was a shock. He’d always thought of Thomas as invincible, able to take on anything and anyone. That he was Thomas’s vulnerable point was humbling to say the least. Taking control of his life meant more than just self-confidence. It meant taking responsibility when and how it needed to be taken.

“I need you, Thomas Strauss, like I need air to breathe,” he began. “You are a part of me too. There will never be any leaving behind as your parents left you because they didn’t need you and your sister ‘enough.’ I do understand that fear, but it doesn’t describe us. I will not abandon you. Do you think what I said to my father and my grandparents at dinner isn’t true, something I just said to unnerve them? You are my happiness. I would do anything for you, because you are more important to me than careers or what others think of me or my life. You are as important to me as my family. You are certainly not less important than they are, or less important than any _thing_ is to me.

“I will keep Badger at home with my family and not bring him here, if that’s what it takes to show you what you mean to me. Say the word and I’ll stop him coming. I mean it, Thomas. Badger means a great deal to me, but he is a horse, and you are my heart and soul.”

Thomas searched his face.

“I don’t want to take anything from you, I would never want to do that. You deserve all happiness, _liebe_ ,” he sighed.

“And so do you! If you take your soul from me you destroy me, my dearest, strongest love,” Giles pleaded. “Everything I’ve accomplished since we met is because of you. It’s you who give me my strength, in a way I don’t know how to tell you, except - “ He paused, as if trying to think how to say what he wanted to.

“There is the love of a family - of parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles. But it’s only one kind of love - the only kind I knew before I met you. And when I met you, and I realized - the love of a partner - a mate, a husband, is something very different, something I never knew before. Something entirely wonderful, and so powerful it knocks you over by its force. It reaches something deep inside you. It opens a door that you never, ever want closed again. Don’t close the door on me, my soul,” Giles begged, hugging Thomas to him.

Thomas clung to him, not caring how desperate he must seem. It hadn’t been just his fear that Giles no longer needed him, but that he would no longer be allowed to need Giles, that he would have to lock away his own need yet again, just as he had when his parents died.

“I didn’t know if you felt the same. I was afraid you didn’t,” he sighed, inhaling Giles’s scent. Giles stroked his hair softly.

“I’ve been both blind and selfish. Gobsmacked by the intensity of my feelings for you and the way you make me feel. I never thought of telling you. It was so new to me, I didn’t know if it was only me. Even if you wanted to give, it’s wrong of me to be that selfish. I’m sorry,” Giles apologized, pressing his lips to Thomas’s temple.

“You have done nothing wrong,” Thomas sighed.

“Neither of us has. Certainly not you,” Giles assured him. “From now on, you’ll be telling me what you want, instead of just letting me lead you by my moods. You’re allowed to have wants and moods and to be selfish yourself from time to time. I’m just as happy to be there for your needs as you are for mine. Understood?” he asked, his lips feather-soft on Thomas’s.

“You are amazing,” Thomas breathed into his lover’s mouth.

“No, I’m not. I’m just learning and stumbling,” Giles protested.

“So - we learn and stumble together?”

“We do.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Language lessons:  
> A stór - Irish for ‘treasure’. Pet name like Schatz(i) in German  
> Aintín - Irish for Auntie  
> Craic (pronounced crack) - basically, Irish term for a fun night out involving friends, booze and music  
> Ceili -Irish music and dancing session  
> Sean nós - traditional style of Irish dancing, often solo  
> Mo ghrá thú - Love you
> 
> Seele - German for soul  
> Herz - German for heart  
> Hase - bunny; Haschen - little bunny {pet bedroom names}  
> Heiße - hot  
> Fur dich - for you  
> Liebeshäschen - lovebunny  
> Bâr - bear  
> Scheiße - literally, ‘shit’, but also used as we would say “oh, fuck!” in a good way  
> Gôr - brat  
> Bitte - please  
> Gefummel - hanky-panky  
> Liebe - love; liebste - dearest/beloved  
> Ich Schätz dich - I treasure you  
> liebling, Schatzi etc - used as we would use sweetheart, sweetie, honey, etc  
> kleiner Hase - little bunny  
> Süße Träume - sweet dreams


End file.
